GARDENS FOR VICTORY

The Complete $2.50 Book

"A very practical book to help your garden, however modest, produce continuous supplies of nutritious food, properly selected, in the smallest space, in the shortest time, for the least cost."

Written by Jean-Marie Putnam & Lloyd C. Cosper

Illustrated by Lynette Arouni

U.S. Sales Company, by special agreement with Harcourt Brace & Co.
© 1942, Harcourt Brace
Second Printing, March 1942

How to get the most, in health, vitamins, and beauty, out of a small vegetable garden—this book provides one answer to the problem of better meals for less money. The war emergency calls for special attention to VICTORY GARDENS, and both the experienced gardener and the tyro who wants to put his patch of land to useful work will find this a valuable handbook. It is a complete guide to vegetable gardening, from planning and planting through cultivation and pest control to keeping and storing the vegetables raised. It stresses three points of special value: first, how to get the most in food values out of each square foot of soil; second, which vegetables are the most valuable because of their vitamin content or other properties; third, how to make a vegetable garden as decorative as a flower garden.

In addition to being a guide to ordinary gardening, GARDENS FOR VICTORY takes interesting side trips into such subjects as soilless gardening, herb gardens, and gardenets for children to learn in. It is copiously illustrated with lists and charts.

CHAPTER ONE: GARDENS FOR VICTORY

In poetry, tradition, and fact, gardens have long symbolized peace. But peace is no longer in the world, and if we are not to find ourselves astigmatized ostriches, with our heads buried deep in the sands of lost opportunity, our gardens must become for us more than mere green oases of escape.

Actually, our peaceful planting can contribute much toward national victory and post-war economic adjustments. It can arm our homes and our communities with the abundant health of fresh vitamin-giving foods. However bursting the granaries of the nation, fresh garden vegetables may come to be at a premium if their production is neglected.

In Britain's crowded islands, under the pressure of war, every spare foot of earth has been put to work. And not only every spare foot of English earth, but greenhouses too, where orchids have been grown for a hundred years, are now being devoted entirely to crop production. The erstwhile orchid specialists are digging for victory as manfully as is the rest of England. And by the way, many thousands of the expatriated orchids have become war refugees and have been brought to America.

A crisis equally acute has come to grip us, and a few million better, and even a trifle bigger, home gardens in America can increase our national food production enormously. And work wonders in a score of ways such as releasing labor for war activities and helping build up food surpluses for lands that need them today and will need them even more when world reconstruction starts.

Also, with food prices inevitably mounting, every few feet of new vegetable garden properly conducting can mean new dollars saved for the family exchequer. Those dollars can go into the bank account, or you may patriotically transform your beet, onion, and cabbage savings directly into Defense Bonds.

Health begins with the food we eat, and the exercise we take. Dooryard gardens for defense will give us both: recreational exercise and fresh food. Apartment window sills, too, may have their potted herbs; and window boxes will be just as decorative, but far more useful, planted to feathery-foliaged carrots, radishes, and vitamin-rich kale, instead of petunias and geraniums.

In the last few decades we have become a nation of garden enthusiasts—flower garden enthusiasts. Flowers and flowering plants mostly have been our hobby. In 1929 there were about ten million home gardens in America; many more now, but not all of these include vegetable plots.

In the final analysis, food usually wins wars, and writes the peace. And it is well to realize that much of this war's winning food may be grown by ourselves in our own dooryard gardens. Five million home vegetable plots is a reasonable goal for America.

A garden plot whose produce finds its way to the family dinner table is a delight to children and grown-ups alike. Planning and planting can be sort of a household game, and the pride of serving meals largely of home-grown foods is shared by all the family, peacetime or wartime.

In addition to the self-reliance they develop, family-tended gardens can make real contributions to the national economy. They release labor for vital defense industries; relieve food transportation problems; improve family, and therefore national, health and morale; reduce living costs while maintaining a high living standard. Then too, the dollar value of your property is enhanced by a food-producing garden, while your purchasing budget is reduced.

All of us who garden and cherish our American design for living as free men and women may learn from the tragic experience of others abroad. Families with home gardens need not depend on ration cards; and for them rising food prices need not wreak havoc with the household budget, nor mean an empty larder. Fresh fruits and vegetables are sure to become scarcer in many communities because of transportation problems, army demands, farm-labor shortages; a garden at your kitchen door is independent of such considerations.

Our friend Dr. F. W. Went, the distinguished plant physiologist, tells of a recent letter from his mother who lives in Holland near The Hague. She wrote that she was getting all that she wanted to eat only because she had planted a vegetable garden. Not only did it supply her needs through the growing season, but enough surplus was "put up" to carry her through the winter.

Your present flower beds, or parts of them, may easily be converted into food-producers: dinner gardens, salad gardens; herb and berry plots. Actually even a tiny "two by twice" gardenet, or one with flowers, is not too small for growing some food crops.

Even vegetable gardens for victory need not lack charm and attraction. The color schemes and combinations of vegetables and other food plants in garden borders are rich with potential beauty as well as vitamins and utility.

We recall that in the background of our own perennial border tall stalks of corn grew quite by chance one spring. They were allowed to remain not merely for the fresh corn on the ear they might produce, but because of the intrinsic beauty of the plants themselves. And perhaps they made us a little homesick for the whispering cornfields of Iowa. And it should be added that our flower-bed-grown corn tasted very good indeed.

Interplanting vegetables with flowers is a makeshift, of course, and cannot be relied on for comprehensive supplies. Vegetables are easier to plant, care for, and harvest in orderly plots by themselves. But even these utilitarian areas need not be undecorative, any more than the established flower beds must remain exclusively ornamental.

Landscape architects, garden clubs, home garden enthusiasts, nurserymen—all of us whose business or pleasure it is to work with green growing things, may find ourselves unsatisfied with frivolous flowers alone; we may want to eat our pretty plants. Like the young heroin in Edna Ferber's So Big! we may say, "Yes, cabbages are beautiful. Like jade and Burgundy, chrysoprase and porphyry."

And so they are.

Fruit trees, too, may be planted now for the future. The dwarf and espaliered varieties have several advantages for small home owners: they bear at an earlier age, they take up less space, and espaliered fruits grown against a sunny southern wall are almost certain to be particularly delicious, juicy, and flavorful. Aspects of creating the maximum vertical production, so to speak, from the minimum of horizontal space, are treated in Chapter Four on Space-Savers.

Your children, too, may well have garden plots of their own. When we were youngsters we had special "gardenets" which were our responsibility; they were three feed wide and twelve feed long and we selected our own plant material.

Our choice as we recall ran to onions grown from sets: the seeds took too long for young impatience. Also, radishes were included because they came up so quickly that almost always, within four weeks after sowing the seed, we could produce a gay red harvest for the dinner table. Carrots were chosen for their pretty feathery foliage, though we were not enthusiastic about the root after it had been diced and cooked and set before us. Tomatoes grew on the fence behind our particular childhood plot, and never since have we seen "love apples" of such brilliance, or tasted such juicy delicacies!

A very few square feet indeed can support creditable junior gardens. And with a little parental guidance they can be really practical producers of food, too. Actually, a five-by-six-foot plot will give a child enough space for three rows, two inches wide, a food and a half apart—which is just right for carrots in the first, radishes in the second, and perhaps chives and chervil alternated in the third row. Specific suggestions for juniors about easy-to-make and easy-to-keep little gardenets are found in Chapter Twelve, together with some lists and charts.

The hobby or art of flower-arranging has become vastly popular in the last few years. However, many of the loveliest flower arrangements we can recall were made of fruits and vegetables! When Constance Spry, the beloved English garden authority, first used edibles in her delightful arrangements she was considerably laughed at in America; but Mrs. Spry felt, as we do, that provided the plant is beautiful, there is no reason why it should not be used for decoration, just because it can also be eaten. On our own Thanksgiving dinner table each year a cornucopia is arranged, spilling out its harvest of delicious fruits and vegetables. That has always seemed to us one of the most satisfactory of interior decorations—before and after taking, so to speak.

While better gardening for more and better home-grown food is a necessity in a time when wars may be won or lost through abundance of food or lack of it, at all times it is good common sense. And with the spur of patriotic need focusing on such effort, right now is a wise time to plan for permanence in your gardening for food. It's a pleasant habit to contract, and likely to become perennial. And, too, it is as fine an investment as you, your family, your school, and your community can make. Besides some measure of direct and oblique financial reward, the dividends include more health, and that peculiar happiness that comes from raising with your own hands good food from the good earth.

If we never need what we grow, we lose nothing; if we never grow what we need, we lose everything.

Many of us, perhaps, have gardened for fun so long that we may have forgotten how to garden for food. This is a little book to help you remember: so that your garden, however modest, will produce the most nutritious food in the least space in the shortest time.


Chapter Two: "V" Stands for Vitamins: "It is sense to know, and to grow, those foods which will do us the most good."

Chapter Three: Eat Your Beauty and Have It Too: The practical art of supplementing frivolous flowers with ornamental edibles.

Chapter Four: Space-Savers: Garden vertically; use up-and-down space (which is free) while conserving ground space (which isn't).

Chapter Five: How to Plan: "The most successful gardens, defense or otherwise, start on paper. Plan before you plant."

Chapter Six: Preparing to Plant

Chapter Seven: Planting and Maintenance: Selecting, pre-treating and sowing the seed; using glass; transplanting.

Chapter Eight: Witchery with Glass: How to prolong the growing season at both ends. The miniature greenhouse.

Chapter Nine: Vegetables Without Soil: "An inviting challenge to gardeners interested in experimenting."

Chapter Ten: Culinary Herbs for Carefree Gardens

Chapter Eleven: Salad Gardens: A tiny plot, well prepared and cared for, can fill the salad bowl.

Chapter Twelve: Kinder Gardens and Junior Gardenets: "Gardening is a habit-forming hobby...started when young it's apt to last through life."

Chapter Thirteen: Cultural Notes for Each Edible Plant: Exactly how to sow and grow all your garden favorites.

Chapter Fourteen: Combating Diseases and Pests: Specific directions for keeping your garden healthy.

Chapter Fifteen: Malnutrition Symptoms of Growing Plants: Plants, like children, must have a well-balanced diet.

Chapter Sixteen: Keeping, Storing and Cooking: What to do with garden food after you've raised it.

HOLY ****. OBAMA IS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT.

Best part of the whole night? Malia and Sasha get a puppy! WIN!

Permaculture - 1989 Australian-made documentary - 50 minutes of awesome

Originally uploaded by a.long

This Lawn Is Your Lawn



Plant the White House's south lawn with a food garden. There are 18 acres around the White House! You could grow an absurd amount of food, not to mention raise livestock on that land. I hope the new prez considers it.

I love celebrities.

Register to vote!

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog!

Doing my part to spread the good word about Joss Whedon's (and NPH and Nathan Fillion's) latest project. Check it out!


Teaser from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Vimeo.

The Minimalist Victory Garden

Mark Bittman linked to the Simple Dollar's Seven Ideas for Preparing Food at Home Cheaply with Minimal Space and Resources. He requested comments, and with all my edible gardening efforts I found I was droning on at some length so I decided to post here instead.


THE LEAST YOU NEED TO KNOW

To save money by cooking at home with minimal resources, do all the usual grocery tricks and then grow your own herbs, alliums (onions, shallots, garlic, leeks), salad greens and lemons. Having these items on hand--for free!--will exponentially increase the flavor and quality of your dishes, while they themselves require truly minimal (I swear) upkeep and overhead.

Container-Friendly: All of the above can be grown in containers, if you have no yard. In fact, even if you do have a yard, your soil is probably a death trap for anything that's not a lawn, so plant them in containers to start anyway.

Inexpensive: With the possible exception of the lemon tree, the "raw" materials for each are dirt (ha!) cheap.

$3 for Wilting Herbs in Plastic, or $3 for a Living, Ever-Giving Plant? Herb plant starts are a few dollars at most and having fresh herbs available at home will save you a fortune at (not to mention a trip to) the grocery store.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving: Thyme, rosemary, sage, chives, mint and oregano are perennial and will last for years. (Basil is annual, not perennial, sadly, but the value proposition may be even stronger for fresh homegrown basil than for the woodier herbs.)

Garlic In Perpetuity: One store-bought garlic or shallot can be divided into many plantable cloves. The clove will grow into a new head, which can then be divided and perpetuated again. For that matter, you can just use cut the greens off most alliums and use those to flavor your dishes, and leave the original bulb in the ground (the greens will regrow), thus extending the value of just one plant for years on end.

They're Pretty, Too: Lemon trees are the hardiest of all the citrus trees, and they can withstand an astonishing amount of abuse (too much shade, not enough water, you name it) and still produce a large quantity of fruit.

Lemon Tree How-To:
* Buy a dwarf or semi-dwarf variety and keep it in a pot inside during the winter if you are one of those poor fools who don't live in USDA climate zone 9 (like me). And yes, I am gloating.
* If you do live in a temperate area, buy a full-size tree, find a sunny-ish spot near your kitchen door, dig a hole, and stick it in the ground.
* Try to remember to water it sometimes.
* Voila: Fresh whole lemons!

Greensleeves: Salad greens will sprout from the seeds you plant before you finish wiping the dirt off your hands. (OK, that's a slight exaggeration, but as a rule greens germinate very quickly, much faster than, say, beets or carrots. It's almost like instant gratification.)

Fast and Dirty: The most complicated/high-maintenance plants of the above listed are the salad greens because when exposed to too much heat or sun, some types will "bolt," meaning they'll send up flowers in an effort to eventually throw out seeds and perpetuate themselves. They usually become either bitter or woody when this happens, but again, worst case scenario, they all bolt, you rip them out, you plant new seeds, and five minutes later (or, OK, three weeks) you have new baby greens growing...

REFERENCES, RESOURCES, INSPIRATION

Bible for Beginners: If you're a novice gardener (or even if you're not), check out Square-Foot Gardening, which I consider especially appropriate for a salad-greens garden. The short version of the system is: Build a square raised bed, fill it with good soil, divide it up into a grid, plant a small number of seeds close together in the squares (instead of in rows), water, wait, harvest, and then immediately fill in the gap with a new planting.

Understand the Whole System: Gaia's Garden: A Guide to Home Scale Permaculture explains the concept of permaculture and will instantly change your perception of your personal environment. Bird poo will never look the same again. Seriously.

Organic without Agony: Great Garden Companions, which explains how interplanting, companion planting and beneficial insects combine to protect and enhance the health of your garden. Long story short: Plant a lot of things from the daisy (zinnias, marigolds, sunflowers, etc.) and carrot (dill, coriander, Queen Anne's lace) plant families along with your veggies.

Where It All Begins: Teaming with Microbes: A Gardener's Guide to the Soil Food Web, not only explains all of the relevant/essential living creatures/creepy-crawlies resident in healthy garden soil, but is a well-drawn primer of the compost/vermicompost/mulch/aerated compost tea/etc basics.

Leaders by Example: Check out Path to Freedom, the website of the Dervaes family of Pasadena, Calif., a foursome who last year grew 6,000 pounds of edibles on a regular-size city lot. Their pictures alone should inspire you to plant something.

MISCELLANEOUS EDIBLE GARDENING ADVICE

Worm Food: Steer manure (.92 per bag at the garden center) plus espresso grounds from your local coffee house (free for the asking) equals excellent soil (rich, friable and absolutely teaming with worms).

Think Rain Forest, Not Prairie: Most American landscapes are radically underplanted; the biomass that your small lot can support would astound you. Plants want and will fight to live, so don't be afraid to jam them all in there together. Don't assume that they'll die of overcrowding or overgrowing each other. Believe me, plants are built to find sun and water, and they will if it's at all possible.

Table of Elements: The same way that cooking has a million possible gadgets and gizmos but it really comes down to a good knife, a wooden spoon and a hefty pot, gardening really just requires a sturdy spade, pruning shears and good gloves.

Avoid Aggravation: Don't grow sweet corn your first year out; it's a resource-sucking pain in the booty.

Enjoy Reward: Do grow radishes, zucchini and chives your first year out; they are effortless and fool-proof. You'll appreciate the positive feedback.

Someday You'll Believe Me: Indeterminate cherry tomatoes are the devil's fruit. (They will grow endlessly, everywhere, all over the place, forever. Save yourself!)

It All Leads Back to Compost: When and if you want to become a compost nut, read the millions of websites on the topic, stop by the GardenWeb Soil Forum and read The Rodale Book of Composting. That trash bowl you started using in the kitchen because of Rachel Ray will suddenly become your treasure bowl as the leavings of one meal become the makings of a future garden-fresh treat.

Wisdom of the (S)ages: "Feed the soil to feed the plant to feed the people."

OK, that's all for now. Got questions? Got any suggestions of your own? Post in the comments!

Where the Wild Things Are

• A monarch butterfly was "puddling" (drinking water and minerals) in the backyard early Saturday morning. Hopefully she found the scarlet milkweed next to the brush pile and laid a few eggs before going on her way.
  

• There was a gray bird grasshopper—Southern California's largest native insect at four inches long—in the front yard. I disturbed it by accident and it flew across the yard but I found it again hiding out under the doorknob to the back gate.

• The side yard has been colonized by at least five adorable woolly bear caterpillars that will turn into garden tiger moths before too long. They are chomping away at the weeds so they are more than welcome to stay as long as they want. (Not that I wouldn't welcome them if they were eating all the veggies too.)

• I let two of the broccoli heads bolt and the female Valley carpenter bees are absolutely in love with the yellow flowers.

• Found a little green katydid living in the weed I call horseradish that may or may not be horseradish.

• Some kind of orb weaver spider was spinning her web in the blackberries the other day, and lots of spiders that make hammock-looking webs also seem to have made a good home there.

• A couple of weeks ago a beautiful brown dragonfly took a little time out of his day to do some sunbathing on a sycamore twig; there were several other dragons buzzing about over the weekend. I believe it's about dragon season...

• I believe I saw a male lesser goldfinch mixing it up with the house finches and house sparrows the other day. He was perched on the top branch of the sycamore. Even if it is dying (and I maintain it's just napping), the sycamore is a wonderful bird perch.

• The neighbor's bougainvillea continues to attract exquisite yellow swallowtails.

• I saw my first green fruit beetle of the season this weekend. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic about spending time with me. He flew into the car and was quite adamant about wanting a ride, but I finally coaxed him out. Love these guys: Iridescent green and always rumbling loud like B-29 bombers.
  

• In addition to all of the above, a slew of the usual suspects: honeybees, hummingbirds, spiders, crickets, hoverflies, European paper wasps, ground beetles, ladybugs, squirrels, finches, doves, scrub jays and more.
  

• Stumbled across a Southern alligator lizard the other day. I suspect he stops by to snap up crickets when he can. There's a water dish in the herb garden that's pretty well-shielded and I like to think he lives under the herbs and drinks there when I'm not looking.

I believe that the wildlife web I'm trying to foster will only get richer by the year. Every season that the creatures have water, food, shelter and nesting resources available to them is another season that a new species can arrive and set up housekeeping. Larva are placed into the soil one year, they hatch the following, and then they themselves become prey perhaps of another species. I'm also adding new food plants and microclimates every month, so who knows who might be attracted next. I hope and expect that next summer will be have even more species vacationing or making a home in the gardens around our house.

Wildlife update: Put up a bird feeder for the finches (those things know how to sing!) and got some kind of small bird of prey as well. I think it was a peregrine falcon (common in the city) but my brother swears there's no chance. Also, earlier this week while I was watering, I flushed out an alligator lizard friend! Missing a tail, this one was, and I think he might have been the one who was around last year, although I could have sworn I found that one's skeleton under the sage last winter. Maybe it this is that one's interdimensional twin, who has traveled back through time and space? Suffice to say, delighted to have him, vendetta and all...

Garden photos! Took advantage of today's beautiful weather to snap a few digital-camera shots of the garden and posted my very first Flickr stream. Check it out!

You know what I'm doing right now? I am FREAKING out. Why?! I found a salamander in my yard. EEEEEEEeeee! This is coolest thing since the mouse and the lizard before that. I really do have to start marking these things down. Googling reveals it is a garden slender salamander, and it probably likes the brush pile and all this rain we're having, not to mention my many slugs. I am so happy. Sigh. This is such a wonderful reinforcement of all the stuff you read in books about how if you don't eff with the environment too much it will balance itself out. I've been reading about natural slug control lately, and I keep sighing deeply when I get to the part where it says if you don't run them off "lizards and salamanders and frogs" will eat them. And I'm always like, "Where am I going to get a frog?!" Whoda thunk I could find a salamander in Culver City. Anyway, this is making me so damn excited. Off to kill more slugs now, but not too many. Gotta leave some for my new friend Rusty...

Today I realized that Jack from Lost is actually Duck Dodgers in the 24-1/2th century.

The cops love my corner of the universe. We live at the intersection of the 405 and the 90, so I'm always hearing cops on their loudspeakers telling speeders to pull onto the shoulder. There's something about that turn onto the 90 West that makes it a great speed trap. And slightly more alarmingly, about once every two months, one of those police helicopters, equipped with a blinding NightSun (30 million candlepower) floodlight, circles my neighborhood for about half an hour. I'm never sure why. Maybe we need keeping an eye on, maybe it's because the only "projects" in West L.A. are down the street, who knows, but it's always at half-past midnight and it's always noisy as hell. I like cops on general principle, but could they please keep it down?!

TO: United States Postal Service
RE: Columbus Day

Some Spanish dude's violation of the Prime Directive is not a good enough reason for me to not get my magazines.

Thanks.

Love,
~j

I have one of these beauties living on my parsley right now. I'm as proud as if I gave birth to her myself! She's a Black Swallowtail and she's going to be beautiful when she grows up!

Two excitements in the garden today: A yellow swallowtail, which Wikipedia tells me is one of the largest butterflies on Earth (fo sho), and, of all things, a peregrine falcon! Got up for breakfast (okay, it was noon, bear with me) and it was just sitting on the lawn next to the melon patch. Spotted me instantly and flew away a second after that (smarter than your average sparrow apparently), but almost as astonishing as finding a bobcat in the backyard. No idea what it was doing there. I half expected to see a partially gnawed prey carcass left behind, but there was nothing. I've seen the neighborhood and cheered them on--they upset the crows terribly, but this was an unexpected gift.

Completely kick-ass thing I did today:

Climbed a chain link fence (slight setback when almost ripped my finger off when my rings got caught on the top of the fence, but unhitched myself in time and escaped with just a few scrapes) and gathered wild (technically feral, but let's say wild) peachy-looking apricots from a tree that grows in one of those miserable public-managed nooks by the side of the road. This one is immediately to the south of the 90 freeway as it comes off of the 405. And let's just split the difference and call them peachcots, as they seem a bit small for peaches and they tasted particularly apricoty, but I'm getting ahead of myself...

The fruit were absolutely filthy from growing up down by the roadside, with no one to spray them down and with cars driving by all the time, but the tree was laden with lovely yellow...peachcots, and it seemed a terrible shame to leave them all there just looking pretty. So, I collected a bag full of them, and then felt silly when I discovered all that cool fence-jumping was unnecessary, as there's a hill and concrete wall that offer a much safer path for entrance and egress. Jumping up there next time will be the only (small) challenge--might need a stepstool, but 100 times easier than fence climbing.

Took home my bag of fruit, scrubbed them all fiercely with soap, water and love, cut the sketchy parts off of the more suspect peachcots and chopped up the rest. Then put them all in my beloved Griswold cast-iron skillet (.99 at Salvation Army thank you very much), combined the fruit with melted butter, white sugar and brown sugar, covered it up with a quick cobbler topping from Mark Bittman's invaluable How to Cook Everything, put it in the oven for 30 minutes with a final five under the broiler for browning, and actually convinced my very finicky, cobbler-hating husband to eat fruit I found by the side of the road and declare the whole thing "really good!"

Anyway, yay. The Fallen Fruit folks have another satisfied customer.

Damn. Hungry again. Off to cobble...

In the garden this week:
* A yellow crab spider lying in wait on one of the blanket flowers. Apparently crab spiders can change color to blend in with their surroundings--all the better to surprise prey with, my dear. Crab spiders are so called because hold their four front legs (two on each side) apart so they look just like crabs.
* Two tiny bees, also on the blanket flower. I think they may be alfalfa bees, but I've come to doubt that identification a little. I usually only see one at a time so I was proud to have gathered two.
* My first halictid bee--they have lovely iridescent green backs. Speaking of iridescent green, I'm truly in love with green fruit beetles. They're huge, they're slow, they sound like B-12 bombers. They're about the size of my thumb, if not bigger, and they're always a pleasure to see or hear. Apparently they're attracted to rotting fruit (their food source), so they're common around compost piles.
* The regular bees have been doing good work pollinating the watermelon vines. Closed up shop on most of the other vegetables, just because everything was so overgrown and messy. Will get raised beds going soon and restart.
* The comfrey I planted was mowed down in today's sprinkler-related garden cleanup. We'll see if it's really as sturdy as it's said to be or if it dies back.
* Have to remember to order another raspberry vine. Realized I've had the blackberry vines going for almost a year, so we're coming up upon the year of fruit. Very exciting. The raspberries have been a rousing success; eat them out of hand just standing there in the yard--a great pleasure.
* Going to plant fruit trees in the front yard, and maybe an orange tree in the backyard. I love the motto of SurviveLA...if it needs water, you better be able to eat it. The wildflowers I've planted are all pretty water-wise, and everything else is more or less edible, so I'm feeling good about the garden.
* Crazy front yard plan of the moment is to turn the whole thing into a lavender field (plus fruit trees) (and maybe sage). Again, I just worry about the spot under the damn carob tree. Hmmm...I wonder if I good landscape architect could figure out what to do with that. Maybe it just needs to be a fountain or a sitting area or something...
* We need new side gates. Aiming for wood in hopes that it's tasteful, more opaque and less ghetto fabulous than our current metal monstrosities.
* Bought three all-purpose five-gallon buckets at Home Depot. If I have time I will drop them off at the local Peet's Coffee to collect their leftover grounds. Among other things, lifting five gallon buckets of coffee grounds is a good resistance training exercise. Also, lots of compostable material resulted from today's cleanup, and the coffee grounds always get the earthworms doing their part. Might actually need more browns for once...
* For honey bees, African blue basil flowers appear to be the functional equivalent of crack.

POST #1


> Okay ladies...I am looking for a rockstar AGENT ASSISTANT/TRAINEE for
> an opening at our company in MP Talent Dept. The catch? I need a
> GUY, or a girl who literally acts like one. I know, right?
>
> Seriously...if you know of a GUY at another agency or management
> firm, or currently looking for an assistant position, please refer
> him to me after they've reviewed the following job responsibilities:
>
> College Degree Required
> Long Hours
> Willing to perform minimal Personal Errands
> LOTS of Scheduling
> Skilled Microsoft Office, Outlook, Adobe, Final Draft, Windows
> EXCELLENT Communication, Grammar, and Writing Abilities (NO ROOM FOR
> ERROR)
> MUST be discrete and confidential
> Ability to perform WELL shadowing & under pressure
> Wants & has what it takes to become an Agent
>
> ***AND MOST IMPORTANT***
> This is not for the career-assistant; it is NOT about completing a
> series of daily tasks. The right person needs to be able to
> understand the BIGGER PICTURE of representation.
>
> I NEED RESUMES ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Thanks for your help!
> ~Kristen
>


POST #2

That certainly promotes female leadership within the entertainment industry.
(What does "literally act like a guy" mean? Piss standing up?)

I know you're following a specific mandate, but it's a fascinating
specification, especially for a network of ladies working hard to make
their gender a non-issue.




POST #3 (me)


Memo from the Desk of Agent Bob:

To be my assistant you must be a guy because...

1. You must never, ever cry when I screech at you hysterically.

2. You must not blink at my coarse language, and chicks blink sometimes, and I like to say stuff like "If you think I'm going to bend over and let you fuck me up the ass with a two-by-four, you're wrong (asshole)." It makes me feel like I'm a barbarian, and barbarians are universally understood to be strong and in control.

3. You must not have any pre-existing self-esteem issues, because I manipulate your self-doubt and insecurities to get what I want from you and others. If you're already half-gone on self-regard and you come work for me, you're gonna be suicidal inside a week, and assistants throwing themselves off the roof is bad for business. When in distress, chicks hurt themselves, guys hurt others. I only understand the latter.
You must know to never exhibit empathy, sympathy or compassion, because those are all terrible weaknesses in this, our business of telling stories about the human condition.

4. You must not be built like Jessica Rabbit, Jennifer Lopez or even Jill in business affairs, because I can't afford another sexual-harassment settlement. Hot chicks make my dick come out of my boxers all by itself. What can I say, I can't help it...

5. You must remind me of me. (Chicks remind me of my three ex-wives and my mother, none of whom like me very much.)

Pathologically yours,
Bobby

This is my girl.

THANK YOU! I mean, for Christ's sake, all you citified spoiled brats act like tap water is raw sewage. Man up and drink it! It's free, clean and perfectly genteel. Don't make me smack a bitch up.

E! Online Clip Reel:

• WWK: Polygamist Copycatting Exposed! Big Love Totally Rips Off Girls Next Door!
  
• 
  WWK: Just the Facts, Ma'am: The Truth About the Rumors Concerning the Sopranos Finale
  
• WWK: Is Studio 60 Really Over? Bradley Whitford Breaks the "News"
  
• WWK: Your Summer TV Bible: What to Watch—and What to Avoid Like the Plague (w/KG&KV)
  
• WWK: Will CBS Rebuild Jericho? Get the Scoop on the Fan Fave's Future!
  
• 
  The Hum: Vive la Résistance!
  

Tonight in the garden: Baby crickets! Adorable, no larger than ants, doing figure eights on the back porch, waggling their antlers--no, antennae--to and fro.

Also, the first real snail in a several weeks. And the first tawny slug I've seen in a while, perched atop the hay-covered compost pile in the open yard. Both were doing important work: The snail was devouring a dying nasturium, and the slug would have contributed to the decomposition process, but I can't count on them to stay with these assignments. Tomorrow night they'd discover the beanlings, or the basil, or the Swiss chard which is due to sprout any minute now. So into the deadly vinegar bath.

I hope that if/when I get chickens (to be named Ruby and Hallah, and addressed collectively as chookchooks), that they enjoy the taste of pickled mollusks. Good protein all around, and good calcium in the shells, if they can stand the taste of the vinegar...In the meantime, they get poured onto the weeds embedded the concrete porch.

God I love my garden in the summer. Things I learned this weekend:

1. Bags of steer manure are only .88 at Home Depot.
2. Earthworms don't like steer manure very much. Coffee grounds it is.
3. The Peet's near my house segregates the coffee grounds into tear-proof bags and puts them in an easily accessibly dumpster. I can reach inside said dumpster if I start with the stepstool I keep in my car.
4. Determinate tomatoes are annoying.
5. Indeterminate tomato vines need more support than they get from wussy galvanized metal tomato cages from Home Depot.
6. I can make salsa entirely from my garden except for the onions.
7. Roasted peppers and tomatoes and onions smell like fajitas.
8. Roasted basil, tomatoes and parm is really good.
9. Raspberries turn red waaaay too slow.
10. The ground below where the compost bin used to be really is magical. The beans I've planted elsewhere in the garden either don't sprout, or get eaten by cutworms and slugs before they're two inches tall. The beans I planted where the compost bin used to be grew two inches tall almost overnight, and they don't have so much as a bite taken out of them. They are superbeans! Thank you compost.
11. I think I can make "firewood" out of dried bird of paradise cuttings.

"War is young men killing other young men they do not know on the orders of old men who know one another too well."

My Take on Lost's "Exposé"

I'm usually easy for this show like a drunk college girl with low self-esteem, but I'm a little baffled about why we were shown this hour of story about life on the Island. Unfamiliar in many ways, "Exposé" felt more an episode of Cold Case than Lost.

I've always liked Nikki and Paolo, but why the heck were we told their story in this episode? What's the "moral" of the story, and why did we break from the running narrative to tell it?

Unlike "The Other 48 Days," when we saw the story of the tailies, which was another story of the Island that we didn't see the first time around, this could not be experienced as a gripping tale of horror. (If anything, "Exposé" was a story of suspense, like a Hitchcock movie—the one-word title even evokes Hitchcock's movie titles a bit.)

And unlike "S.O.S.," the Rose and Bernard flashback episode, it didn't show that the redemptive powers of the Island reach down event to the supporting characters. In fact, it seemed to illustrate the opposite—that the Island can be squandered. It can be the tabula rasa, a blank slate, a second chance, but that's apparently optional. Redemption and batteries are not included.

Usually on Lost, we see character experiencing similar emotional experiences on and off the Island, and they either make a better choice the second time around or screw it up again, depending on who they are and where they are in their lives. This time we saw things that seemed to explain why and how Nikki and Paolo literally came to suffocate on their own greed, lies and hostility. (Shudder.)

What's the lesson? Why are we seeing this? The wages of sin are death? Nikki and Paolo were surely sinners, but that's all these people: Sinners 'R' Us. That's the case in the real world, too, so big whoop.

If it's an "Exposé" of the life of your typical redshirt, are we to believe that the reason we focus on our main characters is because the main characters are the only ones with a chance of winning against the Island, while all the superhot extras are so uniquely selfish and conniving that they're doomed? Does the Island demand their sacrifice? (Am I completely taking this too seriously?)

We now know what our past glimpses of "Pikki" add up to, but what do our new glimpses of the past 80-some days on the Island add up to?

In short: Why God why? Why did you bury them alive? Why do we have to believe the Island is special if it's so damn idiosyncratic?! Is this like when God asked Isaac to sacrifice Abraham? If so, it's still true 5,000 years later: Faith is a bitch. (And not just the character Faith from Buffy, but her too.)

This is a visual summary of how I feel when working on StyleNetwork.com:

I made a Bones-nanza. [Tee-hee!]

Mourning Doves Are Always Happy: In my capacity as a nature geek (what? you thought geeks only liked PSP and the Internets?), I feel obliged to tell you that today I was witness to a falcon attack on an unsuspecting but agile mourning dove. I was riding my bike to work along Ballona Creek when a falcon divebombed the unsuspecting little mourning dove that had just alighted on the ground beneath the falcon's favorite palm tree. There was a great clamouring of feathers, but the dove totally unhanded itself from the grasp of the falcon. It flew off and the falcon had the gall to chase it, but not before a flock of sparrows joined the interspecies fun and started chasing the falcon that was chasing the dove. I have no idea what became of any of them after they disappeared over the bank of the creek, but I think the dove made it out okay.

Of Trolls and Bridges:
Also, in other Creek-related news, "they" seem to have the homeless colony that lived under the last bridge. Naturally, as with all clear-cutting, the area was quickly repopulated by aggressive, invasive species. In this case, gangmember-ish types. The homeless people always made me feel safe when I rode by, because they were happy at home and it was in everyone's best interest to play nice. I feel less certain about the hoodlums who have replaced the once-homed homeless.

'ello mah dahlinks!

Just wanted to point you to my interview with House's Katie Jacobs. It warmed my Huddy-shippin' heart. Also, I did a little reportage from the Paley Fest on American Idol (stick) and The Office (carrot).

Also, I'm contributing to E! Online's new Cool Stuff blog, so stop by and look for my byline on all sorts of flittery randomness. Enjoy!

If you are a nerd like me, you might enjoy my interview with Kim Possible creators Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley.

In related news, as of a couple of days ago, I am unofficially officially moving back to E! Online's editorial side, where I will be primarily working for Kristin, but also contributing to other blogs and columns. (WHEE!) The feeling of being a success is strange and unnatural, but I can't say that achieving my goal of being a professional writer isn't sweet. I'll let you all know when flag officially waves.

How to Save a Life: NBC's superpowered phenomenon Heroes has wings, but needs roots.

Charming and exciting, yes, comics-inspired Heroes hews too closely to its two-dimensional roots. Brightly colored and action-packed, the show entertains yet fails to delve deep or participate in narrative television's recent tendencies toward sophisticated dialogue about, generally, what the hell is going on around here (here being, of course, good old planet Earth).

Remember how Joss Whedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer used teenage characters to address adult/human themes like grief, isolation, loyalty and love, not to mention the use of humor as humanity's last best prophylactic against insanity? Heroes goes in the opposite direction and uses adult characters to play really cool kid's games—cops and radioactive robbers, flying hopscotch, etc. Perhaps it's an intentional deviation from the sci-fi model of old, wherein the fantastic stood in for the prosaic and where oogedy-boogedy monsters represented the demons of our real lives, but sometimes it feels like the creators simply forgot to give the show a genuinely human (or even superhuman) context.

Now, no one has ever accused season one of Buffy of being Ovid's Metamorphoses, so perhaps this show, too, is still evolving, but as it exists in its current form, Heroes moves around at a dizzying pace, but rarely hits any particular mark.

Moreover, where Lost, another great epic serial of our time, is overwhelmingly about character (for better or for worse), Heroes appears to be overwhelmingly about plot (for better or for worse). Lost's creators talk incessantly about the Dickensian model of serial storytelling, but their show is less like one of Dickens' cluttered, yammering novels and more like the paintings of Rembrandt (evocative, carefully drawn character studies) backed by show-don't-tell psychological explorations in the vein of Henry James. Heroes, on the other hand, evokes nothing so much as the Bam! Pow! Crunch! effects of the 1960s Batman series. Where Lost remembers every other novel and film of the last 25 years, Heroes and Batman are moving comic books, but ones that troublingly take the visual shorthand and scurrying pace of an action-oriented comic book and leave behind the metaphorical substance.

As for the illustrative style native to comic books, movies like A History of Violence take full advantage of the built-in storyboard, and recreate it as a panel-by-panel visual style in which each of many tableaux force intense observation. Heroes reads like the motion lines of a running character, with a few talk bubbles thrown in for exposition—there's never a full-page visual, social or moral panorama on which to gaze.

The show's tendencies toward juvenilia are striking. Like Peanuts, it is an isolated world where the children live out their lives beneath the sight lines of babble-speaking grownups. The only true adults visible on Heroes are Greg Grunberg's Matt Parkman, Jack Coleman's Mr. Bennet and Ali Larter's Niki Sanders; everyone else just looks full-grown. Adrian Pasdar's charming Nathan Petrelli is a spoiled brat; and Milo Ventimiglia's Peter Petrelli is still finding himself. Mohinder Suresh is still learning to wear the mantle of his father's work; Simone and Isaac are so absent as to seem developmentally disabled; and D.L. is a dead-beat dad with good intentions, but he has yet to be the man his family needs him to be. Hiro Nakamura grows graver by the episode, and his transformation from boy-man to man-boy is, at least, in progress, but his appeal relies overmuch on childish joie de vivre.

Perhaps the metaphor of this show, murky as yet, is that growing up is, in fact, a matter of growing into your powers. Accepting your identity, coming out of the closet, knowing who you are and who you are not, loving yourself, and then marketing yourself to the world, etc.

Still, these characters are not teens at Buffy's Sunnydale High School—they are, for the most part, full-grown, and their growing pains seem less heroic than fitful and confused. They seem to be in the stage of a growth spurt where limbs are not just akimbo, but different proportions—too-big feet at odds with little legs. It's awkward to observe, and at times frustrating.

Nathan Petrelli, who by all rights ought to be this show's alpha male, has all but abdicated responsibility, and instead clings to greed and ambition as if they were coequal with mastery. Mohinder's path is so hog-tied to exposition that the story tells him, he never tells the story. Eden, even more than her counterpart Claire, is a daughter under the thumb of a stern father—she knows what she wants and certainly how to get it, but prefers to keep the safety (of another's control) on at all times, afraid to claim her own destiny.

What's the cure? Slow the heck down. The game afoot need not be croquet or horseshoes, but the frenetic plot-plot-reveal-cliffhang pace threatens to exhaust all parties involved. Growing up takes time—sometimes the duration seems interminable, but the destination usually turns out to be worth the travails of the grueling, brutalizing journey.

Dedicate a few moments to pointless canoodling. Have the good guys save some totally uninvolved bystanders. Connect the characters by friendship and love, not just magickal destiny and eclipse voodoo. Show our Heroes at the workaday business of creating a family life, building a career and finding a genuine identity.

If becoming your true self is, in fact, the thematic intention of the show, don't allow viewers to believe that happens when mystical mojo take hold of you and puts your fears and anxieties in abeyance. That's faith-based self-medication at its worst, and it's not the true work of life. Even as it celebrates extraordinary people with extraordinary powers, Heroes would do well to credit the heroism of the everyday, because the latter might just be more astounding than the former.

Review: WebTrafficSchool.com

I've used WebTrafficSchool.com twice before, and have been very happy with it both times. Unfortunately, I just used it for a third time, and it's gone south fast. I will not use it again.

There are now mandatory reading times--you must spend eight minutes with each section, regardless of how fast you can read it and/or fully comprehend the material. I've completed the entire course in two hours before, but now it will take double or triple that duration. Furthermore, there are interstitial videos sponsored by commercial entities. I just paid you money for this course--I'm not the least interested in experiencing the wonders of driving cell-phone free, as sponsored by Cingulair. I'm spitting mad, and for fuck's sake, do I really need a lecture on the miracle of voicemail as a technique for preventing distracted driving. Bitter. I am bitter.

The beautiful and talented Lara Morgensen (you might know her as Hollywood Party Girl) has written a book! If you like life on the party circuit, you simply must invest in Party Confidential. Congrats Lara!

Lost and Heroes Recaps by Dr. Anna Graham

Lost
3.1: "A Tale of Two Cities"
3.2: "The Glass Ballerina"
3.3: "Further Instructions"

Heroes
1.3: Chapter Three
1.4: Chapter Four

A Tutorial for the Fast-Food Generation: How to Get Started Cooking at Home for Frugality and Health

After reading Get Rich Slowly: Is eating out cheaper than eating in? and Ask MetaFilter: Is eating in cheaper?, I realized that even though, yes, of course, eating at home is cheaper, the primary obstacle for most people is that cooking at home is about as familiar as Abu Dubai. It takes a long time to get up to speed if you weren't raised to be a cooking adult; I grew up on McDonald's, convenience-store ice-cream Snickers and bagels (through no fault of my mother's--she was an awesome cook, but I was stubborn and unteachable).

In my late twenties, after I got a kitchen and garden of my own (free with purchase of fiancé), I started exploring cooking as a way to save money and get healthier. It's been a long, strange trip, but one of the best journeys I've ever taken. Here, in no particular order, are some of the tips I've picked up along the way.

• KNOW WHAT'S FRESH: Learn to identify foods at their freshest. Cremini mushrooms, for example, should have the cap nearly closed over the stem with as little of that brown filter stuff showing as possible; good heads of broccoli should have closed florets of a uniform greenness; fresh fish smells like the ocean and has clear, not cloudy, eyes; et al.


• SLOW FOOD, OLD FOOD, GOOD FOOD: Learn about what foods were like in their original form. A good way to reconnect with O.G. foods is to watch Alton Brown on the Food Network. Compare Quaker instant oatmeal to steel-cut oatmeal with real maple syrup; compare Taco Bell tortillas to stone-ground corn tortillas; compare Pop-Tarts to strawberry preserves on a thick slice of whole-wheat toast.


• HAVE A GREAT REFERENCE ON HAND: Have a cookbook on a hand that is organized by ingredient, rather than by meal or type of dish. That way you can cook based on what you have on hand, rather than going out to shop for new ingredients. I recommend How to Cook Everything by Mark Bittman.


• USE OF FLAVORINGS SEPARATES GOOD COOKS FROM GREAT COOKS: Grow a window-sill herb garden, or plant herbs in your yard if you have one. Start with mint, basil, rosemary, thyme, tarragon, sage, parsley and cilantro. Mint is invasive, so keep it in a pot. Parsley and cilantro are a pain in the neck, but try these recommendations from Sunset magazine and see if it helps.


• PANTRY ESSENTIALS: Keep a well-stocked pantry. If you're planning to bake, that's all-purpose flour, white and brown sugar, confectioner's sugar, baking powder, salt, shortening, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg, yeast, eggs and milk. If you're planning to cook, that's olive oil, vegetable oil, salt, pepper, the herbs mentioned above, a variety of vinegars, nuts and seeds, dried pastas, rice (white and wild), olives, honey, frozen chicken breasts, canned broth, canned tuna or salmon, frozen ground beef or ground turkey, potatoes, onions, garlic, shallots, beans (canned and dried), tomato paste, canned chopped tomatoes, raisins and other dried fruit, and all the usual condiments (mustard, mayo, BBQ sauce). These are all inexpensive staples, but they can be combined into an infinite number of dishes.


• GOOD SUPPLIERS, PART ONE: Find a independent produce market or farmer's market in your area. Patronize it once a week for fresh fruit and vegetables. Avoid produce from convenience stores or low-end supermarkets or megamarts, which is more likely the product of industrial farms and is often limp, pathetic, flavorless and disappointing.


• GOOD SUPPLIERS, PART TWO: See if you can find a good fish market in your area. I find the wild-caught fresh fish at the local Asian market to be superior to anything at the grocery store, and much less expensive as well. (It's an extra trip, but I have a thing for omega-3 fatty acids, so it's definitely worth my time.)


• THE GOAL IS NOT JUST TO EAT, BUT TO NOURISH YOURSELF: Read a book like SuperFoods Rx and learn about the phytonutrients, vitamins, minerals and overall nutrition content of truly nourishing food.


• THE MIRACLE OF THE MODERN: Consider buying a Black & Decker steamer and a George Foreman grill; with just those two appliances you might not even need a stove. Working George Foreman grills are increasingly available in thrift stores, so shop around.


• ABOVE ALL, KNOW YOUR KNIVES: Obtain a full-tang, well-balanced, stainless-steel chef's knife and paring knife, and learn how to use and maintain them. Many local cooking schools have knife-skills classes for beginning cooks. Learning how to use kitchen knives properly is a profoundly transformative experience.


• HEAVY, BUT WORTH EVERY OUNCE: This is the pan your great-grandmother used: Obtain a 10-inch cast-iron skillet and learn how to "season" it properly. This one pan can be used for almost everything, can go from stovetop to oven, and once you grok cast-iron cookware, requires almost no maintenance or cleaning. (The other pot-pan essentials are probably a large cookie sheet, a 10-inch non-stick skillet, a medium-size pot for heating canned goods and possibly a larger pot for pasta and making stew.)
  


• FOR TO BE FLIPPING, STIRRING AND GRABBING: Obtain a spatula, wooden spoon and tongs as basic cooking implements. Build out your collection of other tools as needed. (Don't rush off and invest in a KitchenAid stand mixer before you've ever made muffins from scratch, etc.) This article (PDF, 1.4 MB) from Cook's Illustrated is a Consumer Reports-style guide to what you really need and what specific products are the best value.


• GET A FRIDGE: No, not a house fridge. Get a work fridge. What's that you say--the office kitchen has a fridge? Okay, yes, but is it slimy, crammed full of plastic bags and a target for lunch thieves? If your office is anything like mine, yes. I bought a barely used, stainless-steel Magic Chef minifridge off craiglist for $50, and it's changed my lunch habits at work. I can now bring in a week's supply of grilled salmon, steamed broccoli, Diet Coke and fruit and reach for whatever I want without having to confront the distinctly unappetizing aroma of the main kitchen fridge. And there's plenty of room left over for my friends at work to store their salad dressing, ice-cream sandwiches and Hot Pockets. A good deal all around!

Good luck!

I had a full set of dental X-rays this morning. It was horrible--like being fucked in the mouth with a broken chisel. And radiation.

Losanjealous linked to the L.A. Coroner's all-too-graphic unidentified bodies site. Overwhelmingly populated by indigent males, many of whom tried to walk across the freeway, and most of whom long ago lost their sobriety, teeth and dignity.

A collection of stray body parts--a torso found gumming up the works of a sanitation processing plant, a human jawbone found on Zuma Beach.

A few women, mostly indigent; a handful of newborn babies.

Are shallow graves inherently foul play?

Anyway, because so many of these deaths seemed almost pre-determined by race, class and addiction, I was intrigued by two outlying lost souls: upper or upper-middle class white males, apparently otherwise healthy and well-maintained, their lives almost certainly ended at their own hands--cleanly and tidily, without shotguns or leaps from high floors or naps on railroad tracks.

In 1993, this man killed himself in a hotel room on Century Blvd. That's right near the airport. Did he fly in from parts unknown because he wanted to die in Los Angeles? Why? Where's the car that matches his BMW key? Why did he have that and no wallet? Did he pay cash for the hotel room? He was wearing a gold wedding band. Where was his wife? Was she dead? Was he all alone in the world?

The palpable loneliness of Attractive Well-Groomed Healthy Middle-Aged Middle-Class White Adult Male #1 is apparent also in A.W.G.H.M.A.M.C.W.A.M. #2. He was found in a park on the Palos Verdes Peninsula, sitting up against a tree, gazing out at an infinite horizon. He, too, had a gold wedding band. And momentos of a person named Michael, who I feel must be a dead son. He and his wife--named "Ma Jose" since some long-ago delirious conversation in the first flush of their love, I think--gave him an Omega watch as a present in 1997 on a trip to Madrid. Was it their anniversary? How did he come to the Palos Verdes Peninsula? Were he a native, certainly the various agencies of the government would have put his pieces together, so why did he choose that park for his end? Does the crowned lion tattoo speak of a tie to Britain? Is the cross and the sword a testament to his religion? Could he be a religious man, married and then divorced from God? Why the stars--on his necklace and on his knee? Was he an astronomer? Did his child love the sky? Is there no one left in the world who would look for him? His preppy moss-green fleece vest and New Balance shoes speak of a venture capitalist, a captain of industry--at the very least a California professional. Where did the money go? How was his property disposed of? There are no typos in the description of his unidentified body, and the catalog of his relics is recorded with care. The same cannot be said of many others in the database. Perhaps the coroner looked at him and saw something he recognized--the parts and parcels of a familiar life.

I think the first man was hollowed out and empty, utterly bereft of purpose and meaning and joy. Death was relief.

I think the second man wanted to be reunited with his family and 35 more years was just too long to wait. Death was passage.

This map is the sexiest thing I have ever seen.

Also, Guilty Pleasures is updated with more TV goodness via me.

drip...

drip...

drip...

that's the sound of my soul leaking out of my body and onto the carpet beneath my desk

*sigh*

In other, less self-pitying angsty news, I'm fascinated by the Skinny Website. It's all kinds of wrong, but the editorial voice is reasonably sane, meaning the orientation truly seems to be "healthy" is good, as opposed to "yay anorexia."

Andrew says I should pick just one gym to not go to. He's right. But I'm afraid to drop the hammer on one or the other. I'll drop Bally's in the end, because they're less likely to hurt me for leaving them, but I'll regret it a little.

Dried apricots are good.

Forgot that Totally Tube, featuring thrilling reviews of fall TV shows from Kristin, Korbi, Marissa and MOI, launched on Friday. Frolic and enjoy. My reviews were all of the NBC ones except for 20 Good Years and the CBS shows. Complaints and comments are welcome.

I come bearing more Guilty Pleasures (which I want to rename Consume Mass Quantities, but never mind). This week starring Rachael Ray, Studio 60 and Frank Gehry, as well as BSG webisodes (inspired by me) and Tim Gunn podcasts (strongly approved by me) (he's lurvely). Hi Erik! [waves]

Stories about Standards & Practices are never not funny.

Brand-new Guilty Pleasures is posted. All the TV ones are mine, except VM, but I'm partial to that one as well, since I contributed to its creation with the talky-talk. Also, Dr. Anna Graham talked to Damon Lindelof (crush!) last night, and should have some shiny new stuff on Lost in Monday's chat con Korbi. (Kristin was supposed to do it, but she's got a very special other engagement so she'll be OOTO and we get gorgeous Korbi instead!)

Okay, here's the deal, world. You can't IM me specifically to ask "Are you wearing makeup today?" and receive an affirmative answer and then not say, "You look great." It's just not done. I'm fucking sensitive!

I'm getting more and more certain that Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive is Rachel McAdams. Does anybody know of a discussion forum where I can debate this in more detail? And also, if it is RA, I would very much like to commend Esquire on its (continually) excellent taste. I love that magazine so much.

The most important thing that happened this week is Joss posting his 25 fave TV characters of all time. I'm mortified that Finola Hughes is involved in any way. I'm refusing to make a list, but Sawyer is on it.

Two of these Defamer PrivacyWatch sightings are from me. Sadly, neither of them is the Angelina Jolie one.

I hate Wikipedia now

As some of you know, I used to live and breathe Wikipedia. Well, at some point they tipped, and on the other side, they've become insufferably self-important over there. The ongoing deletion/cruft-smashing rampage is the perfect way to reverse all the momentum they had going and discourage users of all stripes from thinking different. Never thought I'd see the day when Wikipedia became stuck up. *sigh*

Just wanted to give a shoutout/link to the McVille interview with Ryan Rumsey, who is one of web producers here at E! Online, an actor emeritus and truly one of the awesomest guys I know. Congrats Ry. :)

Dan Futterman WTF?!

First, Dan Futterman plays the Related tool who dumps Kiele Sanchez. THEN, Dan Futterman, who is the definition of what Deb and I used to call a Flacid Boy, gets the role of Daniel Pearl opposite Angelina Jolie. This infuriates me. I don't think he's a good actor, I don't think he's remotely attractive, I can't understand why either of those women would have anything to do with him, and most of all, I can't believe they're having that shrimpy ineffectual tool playing Daniel Pearl, whose death I took very very hard, and whom I still respect and like immensely. Dan Futterman, you're totally on notice.

In other, less irate news, I got my very own Lost Experience glyph late Friday night. Read the real-time drama, and see the official Speaker nod.

If I had a personal assistant as well as a totally different personality, one of my assistant's jobs would be to pick the potatoes out of my vegetarian chili. And then I would yell at her when she messed up, just so I could pretend I was a supervillain and speak the immortal supervillain line, "Do I have to everything myself?!" [Shakes fist at sky.]

Whee! It's live! My first, and ideally not last, guide to what's good on TV over the next two weeks is up at E! Online: Guilty Pleasures. Check it. (In particular, the bits about K-Fed, SYTYCD, Prison Break and a little Website I like to call Ho.Mo. for short.)

Meanwhile, if you have yet to enjoy the wit and wisdom of my alter ego Dr. Anna Graham, you can find most of the chat Lost Experience reports here, along with a bit of Comic-Con goodness. For some reason Google doesn't index the E! Online message boards, so my original Klingon County Fair report, which Speaker called, oh yes, "awesome" is here. And I guess technically Speaker called me awesome, but let's not quibble, you know? :)

From the Slush Pile

I pitched this to EOL's Penalty Box, and it was rejected. It's about off-topic by about a fortnight, but whatever. Enjoy:

The Foul: Yes, we know we need a hobby if we have nothing better to do than harangue 156-years-dead sculptresses, but Madame Marie Tussaud has got some splainin' to do. Late last week the New York outlet of the waxy freak show unveiled Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt snoozing away in her manger under the watchful plastic eyes of parents Brad and Angelina. That's all par for the exploitative course, but where the heck are the other two little Jolie-Pitts? Maddox, for one, has more charisma in his little finger than most Us Weekly cover girls have their whole emaciated bodies. Zahara seems a little moody--we expect she's well on her way to penning a tell-all memoir (as soon as she learns her A-B-Cs), but she's got class and attitude to spare. Madame Tussaud's is sending the message, loud and clear, that Angie's adopted kids aren't as legitimate or as important as the genetically blessed fruit of her and Brad's loins. It's an insult to adoptive families everywhere and undermines the couple's entirely creditable efforts on behalf of refugee orphans.

The Fix: We'll happily commend Tussaud's for donating $1 to UNICEF for each photo taken of the Chosen One, but they need to up the ante. Add wax renditions of Mad and Z post-hasty, and increase the charitable contribution to $3, a buck for each kid. If you're gonna make bank off somebody else's munchkins, it's best not to be stingy about sharing the profits with helpless wide-eyed foundlings from developing countries. Come on, Madame: Won't somebody think of the children?

One of these Defamer PrivacyWatch sightings is from me, but I'm not telling you which. BTW, watch this space for a link to my very first (and highly successful, according to my editor) foray into Guilty Pleasures. Link coming tomorrow. Or possibly Friday. I don't really do calendars. :)

If you haven't seen it yet, the awesome Veronica Mars promo from Comic-Con is now on YouTube. It looks like it was camcordered straight from the screens at the Con, so the quality is a smidge iffy, but overall it gets the message across. Seriously, give three minutes and seventeen seconds of your life to Veronica Mars, and she'll give you the world. Watch it. Now.

Just downloaded clips from Step Up and can't wait for it to be Friday. I'm intensely devoted to dance movies. Dancing itself I can take or leave, but dance movies? Are my passion. No matter how bad, or no matter how pretentious, I'm there: You Got Served, Take the Lead, Dirty Dancing, Flashdance, Footloose, Center Stage, Strictly Ballroom, The Tango Lesson, Save the Last Dance. Dance movies are my crack. Or at least my marijuana.

Sawyer Nicknames for New Lost Characters

As I'm sure you've all heard, Lost has added three new castmembers: Rodrigo Santoro, Elizabeth Mitchell and, in the best casting decision of ever, Kiele Sanchez. Naturally, the Sawyer nickname lottery begins now. RS hasn't inspired anything yet, but I think Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell) is a Sparkles or a Twinkletoes. When I see EM in photographs, somehow she makes me think of glitter and sprinkles and ballet dancers. Not sure what her character's going to be like, but that's the vibe I'm getting at the moment. And as for Kiele Sanchez:

[Nikki, if that is in fact her character's name, approaches Sawyer.]

Sawyer: Hey there, French Fry.
Nikki: Why do you call me that anyway?
Sawyer: Because you're golden brown...like a French fry.
Nikki: I hate you.
Sawyer: Yeah, I get that a lot. Now, what can I do you for?

i would like a slower computer please
possibly powered by snails and caterpillars
just harness them up to the computer's drivetrain
and let 'er rip
because this computer that i have?
is much too fast

Also, you know what's sinfully delicious? Eating grapes, one by one, with the refrigerator door open. I love letting all the cold air out of the fridge. I don't know why it feels so fulfillingly dirty, but it's amazingly to stand in my kitchen and bask in fridge light and cool fridge air and stare at all the condiment bottles on the door. If nothing else, there's a pleasant sadistic element to it. My fridge doors take one-two-three tugs to open, the padding is peeling off the handles, something green died in the icemaker, and the damn light socket in the fridgewon't accept flourescent (sp?) bulbs, forcing me to use environmentally incorrect incadescent if I want to see my soy milk. So, while it's environmentally incorrect to leave the fridge door open, that bitch totally started it!

A year and some months later: I'm back.

Look for my guilty pleasures posts soon. In the meantime, I am obsessed with HollywoodMomentum.com. Where have you been all my life, little zine?! I'm writing a proper review up for GP, but it'll probably get rejected--to be posted here, natch.

Also pitched myself a hilarious New Yorker piece this morning: Parents Gritty Reality Television Council's standards for prime-time broadcasts. 1. All demons and vampires on supernatural WB shows must be replaced with child molesters and rapists. (etc.) Hilarity ensues. Going to ask Pretty Tall Improv Girl to read and comment, even though of course my greatest fear is not being effortlessly perfect the first time out at everything I do. Healthy, I know.

I really wish people wouldn't start thinking about their jobs out of nowhere.

As part of my new enterprise ("Don't be helpless. Don't enjoy being a victim.") I decided I have to do something about the Supermodel's natter and babble. So, loins girded, I decided the most "aggressive" way to do this (my aggressive scale is small), would be to reply to every boring-ass thing says with something equally pointless. This morning, she told me that (a) she had cleared out her email last night, and described the voice-mail-to-email process in great detail, and then (b) filled me in on how she got a new light switch. And the whole time I was going, "What similar thing do I have to say?" And hell, I cleared out my inbox last night too, and I used my new Dustbuster this morning. But those things are so mundane I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, even in revenge. :) I'm going to try again, and see what happens. After that, I have to consider a Plan B, which could plausibly be confronting her, but that's pretty far afield from my usual behaviors. "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU NINNY!!" is gonna sound mean.

Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me that I have no religious angst. Religious anger sometimes, rarely; but no religious angst. Maybe it's a side effect of being the child of nonchalant Protestants--Protestants aren't really famous for the faith-based self-flagellation anyway.

I have nothing else to say except that I enjoy taking cod liver oil, in part because it helps my eczema, but mostly because it sounds so incredibly 19th century.

I saved $5 on Tide today, with sales and coupons. I'm playacting at being frugal these days, and it's ridiculous, but the funny flip side of me buying anything, especially something not insanely expensive, is that is some people shop when they're messed up (retail therapy and all that), but I can only shop when I'm possessed of a feeling of "well-being," that mystical byword and would-be end-product of therapy. I've been shopping a lot lately. Mostly because I'm being sponsored by AA ;), but also, too, becuase I'm out of my...gee, self-flagellation...phase. I'm not trying to hurt myself through copious denial of self-care and general extreme asceticism.

What I'm trying to say is...I bought new underwear and that's nice for me. :)

Um, having confidence is REALLY disorienting. I'm not used to it. Please stay, little confidence, we are having so much fun! Seriously though, it's odd as heck!

All my friends have these awesomely cranky blogs. Must get crankier. Must blog more. Hollywood IS very stressful you know. In the meantime, download an RSS feedreader, willya, b/c I'm gonna add a link to my site feed, so you ALWAYS know what I am thinking. It's also probably good writing practice to be florid and non-utilitarian, like, once a day.

So, I edit the Did you know? section of the English Wikipedia's main page a lot. A lot. I'm kind of territorial yes, but this isn't about that, I'll swear. There's this nincompoop who keeps posting inane DYK items about fucking American soap opera stars. 1.) No one cares about soaps, 2.) There's no hook, 3.) No one cares about soap stars, 4.) It's totally Amerocentric and provincial, which I really try to avoid, 5.) It's absolutely trash. Most of all, it totally FUCKS up the balance of DYK. I try to balance topics and geographic areas mentioned in every update: something from Hawaii, something about mechanical engineering, something about a weird food...and then in pops this superficial, useless piece of trivial (yes, yes, I know it's all trivia, but that's different than trivial) nonsense, and it throws the whole thing off. It's like there's a straight line of material, and then this soap thing drops the bottom out--like to the bottom of the Marianas Trench. GRRR. Anyway, it makes me rage, because everybody else, those people writing consequential articles, post them first as suggestions; this guy just goes in and does it. Which would be FINE if they didn't SUCK, but they do. Grumble grumble humbug.

I was recently informed that "Women aren't funny." Okay, fine. I'll see you and raise you Meryl Streep, Gisele Bundchen (hilarious on talk shows), Kelly Ripa, Jenny McCarthy and Tina Fey.

I got a new bed this weekend. Double. Supercomfy. From dead woman.