From the Slush Pile
I pitched this to EOL's Penalty Box, and it was rejected. It's about off-topic by about a fortnight, but whatever. Enjoy:
The Foul: Yes, we know we need a hobby if we have nothing better to do than harangue 156-years-dead sculptresses, but Madame Marie Tussaud has got some splainin' to do. Late last week the New York outlet of the waxy freak show unveiled Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt snoozing away in her manger under the watchful plastic eyes of parents Brad and Angelina. That's all par for the exploitative course, but where the heck are the other two little Jolie-Pitts? Maddox, for one, has more charisma in his little finger than most Us Weekly cover girls have their whole emaciated bodies. Zahara seems a little moody--we expect she's well on her way to penning a tell-all memoir (as soon as she learns her A-B-Cs), but she's got class and attitude to spare. Madame Tussaud's is sending the message, loud and clear, that Angie's adopted kids aren't as legitimate or as important as the genetically blessed fruit of her and Brad's loins. It's an insult to adoptive families everywhere and undermines the couple's entirely creditable efforts on behalf of refugee orphans.
The Fix: We'll happily commend Tussaud's for donating $1 to UNICEF for each photo taken of the Chosen One, but they need to up the ante. Add wax renditions of Mad and Z post-hasty, and increase the charitable contribution to $3, a buck for each kid. If you're gonna make bank off somebody else's munchkins, it's best not to be stingy about sharing the profits with helpless wide-eyed foundlings from developing countries. Come on, Madame: Won't somebody think of the children?