POST #1


> Okay ladies...I am looking for a rockstar AGENT ASSISTANT/TRAINEE for
> an opening at our company in MP Talent Dept. The catch? I need a
> GUY, or a girl who literally acts like one. I know, right?
>
> Seriously...if you know of a GUY at another agency or management
> firm, or currently looking for an assistant position, please refer
> him to me after they've reviewed the following job responsibilities:
>
> College Degree Required
> Long Hours
> Willing to perform minimal Personal Errands
> LOTS of Scheduling
> Skilled Microsoft Office, Outlook, Adobe, Final Draft, Windows
> EXCELLENT Communication, Grammar, and Writing Abilities (NO ROOM FOR
> ERROR)
> MUST be discrete and confidential
> Ability to perform WELL shadowing & under pressure
> Wants & has what it takes to become an Agent
>
> ***AND MOST IMPORTANT***
> This is not for the career-assistant; it is NOT about completing a
> series of daily tasks. The right person needs to be able to
> understand the BIGGER PICTURE of representation.
>
> I NEED RESUMES ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Thanks for your help!
> ~Kristen
>


POST #2

That certainly promotes female leadership within the entertainment industry.
(What does "literally act like a guy" mean? Piss standing up?)

I know you're following a specific mandate, but it's a fascinating
specification, especially for a network of ladies working hard to make
their gender a non-issue.




POST #3 (me)


Memo from the Desk of Agent Bob:

To be my assistant you must be a guy because...

1. You must never, ever cry when I screech at you hysterically.

2. You must not blink at my coarse language, and chicks blink sometimes, and I like to say stuff like "If you think I'm going to bend over and let you fuck me up the ass with a two-by-four, you're wrong (asshole)." It makes me feel like I'm a barbarian, and barbarians are universally understood to be strong and in control.

3. You must not have any pre-existing self-esteem issues, because I manipulate your self-doubt and insecurities to get what I want from you and others. If you're already half-gone on self-regard and you come work for me, you're gonna be suicidal inside a week, and assistants throwing themselves off the roof is bad for business. When in distress, chicks hurt themselves, guys hurt others. I only understand the latter.
You must know to never exhibit empathy, sympathy or compassion, because those are all terrible weaknesses in this, our business of telling stories about the human condition.

4. You must not be built like Jessica Rabbit, Jennifer Lopez or even Jill in business affairs, because I can't afford another sexual-harassment settlement. Hot chicks make my dick come out of my boxers all by itself. What can I say, I can't help it...

5. You must remind me of me. (Chicks remind me of my three ex-wives and my mother, none of whom like me very much.)

Pathologically yours,
Bobby