Thursday, August 30, 2007

Completely kick-ass thing I did today:

Climbed a chain link fence (slight setback when almost ripped my finger off when my rings got caught on the top of the fence, but unhitched myself in time and escaped with just a few scrapes) and gathered wild (technically feral, but let's say wild) peachy-looking apricots from a tree that grows in one of those miserable public-managed nooks by the side of the road. This one is immediately to the south of the 90 freeway as it comes off of the 405. And let's just split the difference and call them peachcots, as they seem a bit small for peaches and they tasted particularly apricoty, but I'm getting ahead of myself...

The fruit were absolutely filthy from growing up down by the roadside, with no one to spray them down and with cars driving by all the time, but the tree was laden with lovely yellow...peachcots, and it seemed a terrible shame to leave them all there just looking pretty. So, I collected a bag full of them, and then felt silly when I discovered all that cool fence-jumping was unnecessary, as there's a hill and concrete wall that offer a much safer path for entrance and egress. Jumping up there next time will be the only (small) challenge--might need a stepstool, but 100 times easier than fence climbing.

Took home my bag of fruit, scrubbed them all fiercely with soap, water and love, cut the sketchy parts off of the more suspect peachcots and chopped up the rest. Then put them all in my beloved Griswold cast-iron skillet (.99 at Salvation Army thank you very much), combined the fruit with melted butter, white sugar and brown sugar, covered it up with a quick cobbler topping from Mark Bittman's invaluable How to Cook Everything, put it in the oven for 30 minutes with a final five under the broiler for browning, and actually convinced my very finicky, cobbler-hating husband to eat fruit I found by the side of the road and declare the whole thing "really good!"

Anyway, yay. The Fallen Fruit folks have another satisfied customer.

Damn. Hungry again. Off to cobble...
In the garden this week:
* A yellow crab spider lying in wait on one of the blanket flowers. Apparently crab spiders can change color to blend in with their surroundings--all the better to surprise prey with, my dear. Crab spiders are so called because hold their four front legs (two on each side) apart so they look just like crabs.
* Two tiny bees, also on the blanket flower. I think they may be alfalfa bees, but I've come to doubt that identification a little. I usually only see one at a time so I was proud to have gathered two.
* My first halictid bee--they have lovely iridescent green backs. Speaking of iridescent green, I'm truly in love with green fruit beetles. They're huge, they're slow, they sound like B-12 bombers. They're about the size of my thumb, if not bigger, and they're always a pleasure to see or hear. Apparently they're attracted to rotting fruit (their food source), so they're common around compost piles.
* The regular bees have been doing good work pollinating the watermelon vines. Closed up shop on most of the other vegetables, just because everything was so overgrown and messy. Will get raised beds going soon and restart.
* The comfrey I planted was mowed down in today's sprinkler-related garden cleanup. We'll see if it's really as sturdy as it's said to be or if it dies back.
* Have to remember to order another raspberry vine. Realized I've had the blackberry vines going for almost a year, so we're coming up upon the year of fruit. Very exciting. The raspberries have been a rousing success; eat them out of hand just standing there in the yard--a great pleasure.
* Going to plant fruit trees in the front yard, and maybe an orange tree in the backyard. I love the motto of SurviveLA...if it needs water, you better be able to eat it. The wildflowers I've planted are all pretty water-wise, and everything else is more or less edible, so I'm feeling good about the garden.
* Crazy front yard plan of the moment is to turn the whole thing into a lavender field (plus fruit trees) (and maybe sage). Again, I just worry about the spot under the damn carob tree. Hmmm...I wonder if I good landscape architect could figure out what to do with that. Maybe it just needs to be a fountain or a sitting area or something...
* We need new side gates. Aiming for wood in hopes that it's tasteful, more opaque and less ghetto fabulous than our current metal monstrosities.
* Bought three all-purpose five-gallon buckets at Home Depot. If I have time I will drop them off at the local Peet's Coffee to collect their leftover grounds. Among other things, lifting five gallon buckets of coffee grounds is a good resistance training exercise. Also, lots of compostable material resulted from today's cleanup, and the coffee grounds always get the earthworms doing their part. Might actually need more browns for once...
* For honey bees, African blue basil flowers appear to be the functional equivalent of crack.

Friday, August 10, 2007


> Okay ladies...I am looking for a rockstar AGENT ASSISTANT/TRAINEE for
> an opening at our company in MP Talent Dept. The catch? I need a
> GUY, or a girl who literally acts like one. I know, right?
> Seriously...if you know of a GUY at another agency or management
> firm, or currently looking for an assistant position, please refer
> him to me after they've reviewed the following job responsibilities:
> College Degree Required
> Long Hours
> Willing to perform minimal Personal Errands
> LOTS of Scheduling
> Skilled Microsoft Office, Outlook, Adobe, Final Draft, Windows
> EXCELLENT Communication, Grammar, and Writing Abilities (NO ROOM FOR
> MUST be discrete and confidential
> Ability to perform WELL shadowing & under pressure
> Wants & has what it takes to become an Agent
> This is not for the career-assistant; it is NOT about completing a
> series of daily tasks. The right person needs to be able to
> understand the BIGGER PICTURE of representation.
> I NEED RESUMES ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Thanks for your help!
> ~Kristen


That certainly promotes female leadership within the entertainment industry.
(What does "literally act like a guy" mean? Piss standing up?)

I know you're following a specific mandate, but it's a fascinating
specification, especially for a network of ladies working hard to make
their gender a non-issue.

POST #3 (me)

Memo from the Desk of Agent Bob:

To be my assistant you must be a guy because...

1. You must never, ever cry when I screech at you hysterically.

2. You must not blink at my coarse language, and chicks blink sometimes, and I like to say stuff like "If you think I'm going to bend over and let you fuck me up the ass with a two-by-four, you're wrong (asshole)." It makes me feel like I'm a barbarian, and barbarians are universally understood to be strong and in control.

3. You must not have any pre-existing self-esteem issues, because I manipulate your self-doubt and insecurities to get what I want from you and others. If you're already half-gone on self-regard and you come work for me, you're gonna be suicidal inside a week, and assistants throwing themselves off the roof is bad for business. When in distress, chicks hurt themselves, guys hurt others. I only understand the latter.
You must know to never exhibit empathy, sympathy or compassion, because those are all terrible weaknesses in this, our business of telling stories about the human condition.

4. You must not be built like Jessica Rabbit, Jennifer Lopez or even Jill in business affairs, because I can't afford another sexual-harassment settlement. Hot chicks make my dick come out of my boxers all by itself. What can I say, I can't help it...

5. You must remind me of me. (Chicks remind me of my three ex-wives and my mother, none of whom like me very much.)

Pathologically yours,

Friday, August 03, 2007

This is my girl.

THANK YOU! I mean, for Christ's sake, all you citified spoiled brats act like tap water is raw sewage. Man up and drink it! It's free, clean and perfectly genteel. Don't make me smack a bitch up.